Hello dear atwar!

I just wanted write some shit about me and my life, I used to be active from 2016 - 2021 on atwar.
Back then I failed to graduate my university and was an absolute bum. Recently I have started to build my life, now i have a stable job and above average income in my country, by recently I'd say from 2021 - 2025. Thanks to my upheaval, I have build myself a somewhat of a social grounding which led me to having a wife that is younger and beautiful. Smart and whatnot. I used to have zero friends that are close, now i have couple of them which i used to lure the beautiful woman to consider me NOT ANTISOCIAL. While I had built a decent facade of me being a normal guy who has a future ahead of me, in hindsight my antisocialness and cynicism has never perished. I force myself to be social meet her parents, meet her friends, act like I'm normal, act like i have connection with my friends but the reality is that i fucking hate eveyone and each and every single one of you on atwar too.

I believe myself to be utterly better than each and every single human on earth out of sheer delusion. Morally I consider myself a good person and very attractive which is yet again false. In the days where my absolute loser self comes back, I am livid of every single trait I have, from my skin that is brownish to my penis that is noticably smaller than xvideos'. On the days that I am flamboiyant I consider myself better than albert fkin einstein and arnold swartsnigger.

So yeah, I have serious mental issues that needs to be addressed. Yet I try to act, try to blend in. Cause I want this, cause I want to live and build a life for myself, have children, have a good car that is much better than my 2013 toyota corolla and a penthouse better than my two room soviet apartment.

At my work, even though I hate almost everyone, I know I must be social, I know I must have allies, so I persists with my facade of acting like normal. The normalness which kills my mental energy, seriously every conversation I have, every word I spoke, I spoke because of anxiousness and foul trickery. But thanks to this grand performance of act, I have my salaries raised, now I can I guess buy like two japanese washing machines with my salary, let me get this clear with TV perspective, one 60 inch Samsung TV and add to that a microwave.

But overall I'm not all that antisocial, I do care for my wife and the baby that is about to be born ( with just 3 weeks left due date, my mentality is collapsing). I care for my family, I want them to succeed, I am also helpful to my coworkers if i don't wanna cut their throats.

My sexual life, because of pregnancy is occational, maybe in a week, cause sex can sedate. she is and I am scared. Before pregnancy we used to have sex all day. But yeah I do have doubts about my sexual competency, cause there are lots of low hanging dudes out there and I am naturally very timid and jealous, Yet, of course, my wife she has no idea about this clown inside me. I try to act confident and manly.

I do be smoking hella lot, even though it just makes me feel all weak and shit, not at all energetic. But I do be smoking. Smoking and eating a lot I am starting to become obese.

I had fight with my wife yesterday, I told her, you wouldn't be with me, if i wasn't financially responsible, I collected money so I can invite you to my home, you wouldn't last a day in my apartment which had no repair, you'd shouting etc. Yeah, she got offended somehow. I'm going to go home and will apologize, But shit, you know I believe that she is just a small little spoiled girl who is an emotional carousel. Beautiful, yes, good at heart, yes, smart, yes. Still financially a burden, emotionally a burden most of the time. But you know a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do, I'll try to have a great life with her, have a good life for her and our family. But the reality is reality. She don't really care about who the person behind the MAN. And I say be that way, ain't nobody gotta care about me, I'm just a man, behind the mask, the real me. The real person will just live and die behind the mask.

So yeah, that's it ATWAR, I wanted to write this off.

Merry Christmas Neg...

May you wish for the real you to shine some day.